October 28, 2010

There Is Now...

...nothing here to offend anybody. I have deleted all of my posts. I am starting everything over again

I don't want this to be a place where I argue with my friends instead of discussing things with them in person, like it has become. I would much rather talk to them about things that bother me, than have them read about it and get pissed at me. That being said, there are some loose ends I would like to tie off before I wipe the slate completely clean:

- Wolfy, I love you and would never say or do anything to intentionally hurt you. I know I apologized already, but let me say again that I am sorry that I used your personal information to make a point in public view. It was wrong of me, and I didn't think about how it would make you feel. You were right to be angry; I just can't bear to be around you when you are, though. That's why I hid and then ran away. I thought trying to talk to you in person would only make things worse. I thought you hated me and didn't want to be around me any more, so I secluded myself to avoid making you more angry. I realize now that I should have talked to you like an adult, but  having someone I love be angry with me is perhaps the thing I fear the most in the world. I fear it so much, I would do anything to avoid it. If it were someone I did not care about that were angry, I would not hide and cower, because I could care less what strangers think of me. That being said, I am far from an adult, I have old habits with me that die hard, so please forgive me if sometimes I act childishly. Sometimes when you think I am ignoring or avoiding you, it is because I am afraid of you and what you think of me. I feel very weak and helpless and confused most of the time, so rather than confronting problems head-on, I become passive-aggressive. It never helps, of course, but it's all I know how to do. Please help me to learn how to handle things with more courage and forthrightness, I do not want to keep doing what I have always done. *hugs and nuzzles*

- Clock, you're like the older brother I never had, and I hate when we fight. We are very different, you and I; you wish to settle things immediately and in the open, even if it hurts. I, on the other hand, would rather that nothing hurt, even if things never get settled. I wish I was more like you and less like me in that respect. It will take a long time for that to happen, though, even with your help. In the meantime, please know that I am not going to hide any more or use this blog as a surrogate for frank discussion. As I am typing this, I am sitting in the dining room and would gladly engage you in conversation. I just find it very hard to put my thoughts into words when speaking rather than typing; it has been that way since I was very young. Know that I really do enjoy discussion, but I don't enjoy when I cannot get my thoughts across clearly; this is why I avoid talking about anything complicated in person. I seriously just can't formulate thoughts into sentences very well at all, I am sorry. I can rattle off all kinds of thoughts when I sit at a keyboard or with a pen and paper, but when I try to talk it is like trying to translate everything into a foreign language that I am rusty in. That is not surprising, since I literally am rusty when it comes to interpersonal communication. Please be patient with me as I try to learn how to communicate better, and understand that when I use written communication, it is more for conveniences' sake than it is me trying to "hide" (though sometimes I do hide.)

- To everyone and no one: I am a very damaged human being, and though I do not always talk about it, much of my problems fitting in with the rest of the world are fundamentally medical in nature. I have been officially diagnosed by medical professionals with depression, social anxiety disorder, avoidant personality disorder, and dependent personality disorder. Though not officially diagnosed, I also strongly suspect that I am dyspraxic and suffer some symptoms of OCD, due to my childhood history as well as my current behavior. I am currently not receiving any treatment for any of these disorders. If you want to know why I act so strangely all the time and why I sometimes act like an incompetent child, you might want to read up on these conditions. I am not trying to excuse my real flaws by blaming them on medical illness, of course. Sometimes I am simply an asshole, or simply clumsy, or simply not paying attention. But sometimes I am suffering from the symptoms of illness, so please take that into consideration. The world is a very big, scary, difficult place for me. I can only try to do my best.

8 comments:

  1. The world is a nasty ball of spite.

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  2. Hope it goes a more to your liking this time.

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  3. dont worry about it, you got to be able to voice your opinon

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  4. Good luck with your fresh start :>

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  5. I know what its like to cope. just keep on keepin brother

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